The Nickelback fiasco, or why democracy doesn’t work

Hey there Nickelback fans! Yes, you AND you! You three guys are going to be really pleased when you attend Ottawa Senators games this season.

Hey there Nickelback fans! Yes, you AND you! You three guys are going to be really pleased when you attend Ottawa Senators games this season. Why? Well, your favourite lame-haired, wannabe-grunge, fake-metal, ballad-singing quartet is about to take up residence at Scotiabank Place for the next eight months or so!

It’s going to be great. See, the Senators are learning what the United States did waaaay back in the year 2000: Democracy doesn’t work. Only it’s worse than hanging chads this time around, because there are no recounts or Supreme Court challenges or anything else to save Senators fans from Nickelback (or as Chad Kroeger would say it: Nickel-berrrrk!).

You see, the Senators used to play a different song for each Senators player when he scored a goal, but this season, the team is picking one song to unite them all! It’ll be like the Blackhawks with Chelsea Dagger, only way more cool and Canadian!

Or, I should say, the internet is picking a goal song, because it sure as hell isn’t Senators fans.

That was the original idea though. The team asked fans to submit potential goal songs and received 500 entries. From those, the Senators chose five finalists and decided to put it to a vote. Democracy in action!

Except, like well-financed lobbyists, party bag men and a partisan judiciary, forces beyond the team’s control are fighting to get the result they want: The consistent humiliation of Ottawa Senators fans. Take that, Nickelback haters!

A campaign that appears to have started over at the blog Deadspin (post title: “We’re not saying you should vote Nickelback for Ottawa’s goal song; We’re just saying you can”) was quickly picked up by Toronto Maple Leaf fans on Twitter, who urged anyone and everyone to sign into Facebook and vote for Nickelback here.

Current standings:

1. NICKELBACK! (Burn it to the Ground) — 3,243 votes
2. Black Keys (Howlin’ For You) — 1,345
3. The White Stripes (Seven Nation Army Remix) — 613
4. Britney Spears (Till the World Ends) — 306
5. The Whip (Locksley) — 75

I know what you’re thinking, three guys! Rock on! Sure, it seems like Nickelback is considered incredibly lame by most young fans today, but this band has found mainstream success in the hinterlands of America! They must be cool!

Okay, okay, so fans in Winnipeg are campaigning hard to get the NHL to cancel a Nickelback concert at a Jets game. Screw them! They just don’t “get” Nickelback. I guess the brooding-yet-tender-rocker thing is lost on a lot of people.

The song? Burn it to the Ground? Get ready to mosh every time Chris Phillips goes top cheese, ninjas. Sure, some sharp Tweeter said it was an apt choice for a team that did just that to its roster last season, but that inter-nerd is just being too negative!

Don’t let Senators fans give you a hard time this season though, three Nickelback fans. You can always point to the fact that Leafs fans made a critical error when choosing a goal song to back. Had they put their considerable might behind Britney Spears, it would have emasculated Senators fans so badly, their memories of the Naked Spartan would come flooding back.

“This is how, you remind me!”

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